Posts Tagged ‘struggle’

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Hey guys and girls, a slight rant or waffle if you will.

I start my days waking up and eating breakfast, showering and brushing my teeth, grooming and putting on products to make me smell nice, get dressed and then that is where your day and mine split. You go to work, I sit at home and switch on the computer. I load up the 15 or so sites for job hunting and I think of new and interesting ways to fill in application forms.

This is my second month of doing this now and I can honestly say that I have come very close to being homeless as I have accidentally spent more money on travel that I was meant to, that is if I have any money in the first place for travel. “Ummm the job center pay for travel you dickhead!” – Thank you random person that will no doubt not read my whole post but comment anyway. Yes they will pay for it, unless you cannot provide proof, or they don’t feel like it or they are having a bad day or they don’t remember to put it through the damn system. To put this into context I have the following make up this month;

£30 over draft, £25 phone bill, £323 rent.

Incoming is £134 twice in a month and £158 once.

dolestreet_1713190cSo take away that from that and you get £49. I have also rounded things up to make it easier. Now £49 for a month of food, toiletries, travel, any new items I should require, for instance new shoes for interviews, shirts, ties, you get the idea. In a world where a loaf of bread can be over £1 to buy I find myself on a diet primarily made up of pasta and something tinned, a diet that makes my body feel lack luster and dull. A body need fresh fruit and veg to function at it’s highest and it is RIGHT NOW I need to be on my “A” game. I’m all up for reducing money from not working, think it’s a good idea but they need to balance it a little. The money situation is now hindering me finding work, which in turn will probably mean I have to sponge off the state for longer, so the reduction in out of work income, in my instance, is useless as I will be taking from the state about as much as I would have been before the changes but now just over a longer time.

There are 100 jobs and 1000 people for each one looking down this way at the moment. Not so much Cardiff but Newport and Bridgend are both doing badly and they are either side of Cardiff and the competition is eminence. Cardiff is become saturated as is Bristol. I am having to look further a field to find work, which is fine, however when you consider that the closest city to me is Cardiff and is around a 8-15 mins train ride away and costs around £6 to get to and back from every single time I want to go there, it kinda makes a longer trip to a further away location either impossible or a toss up between food buying and an interview.

Ok. I get that “As of Q1 2013 UK government debt amounted to £1,377 billion, or 88.1% of total GDP” and that is bad. But you can’t make money, or in this instance get people back to work by simply making people poor. It makes it harder.Nillionaire someone having little to no money

Plus they made the changes for money in one go. so instead of gradually doing it over a year or 6 months so people flowed into work, they said HEY, 3 million people you won’t have enough money to live on unless you find work from……..

NOW GO GO GO. What the fuck did they expect?

My final ranty bit has to do with an E-mail I got yesterday from Mc Donalds. It was an email saying that I was unsuccessful in my attempt to work at one of their stores. I have a feeling it is to do with my age as the application form is not particularly taxing, with multi-choice answers for questions being presented, most of which are something along the lines of;

If an employee said something that offended you, would you, A) Beat the shit out of them. B) Put their face in the fry station or C) try and talk to them or your manager and see if something can be sorted out.

I feel that being in my 30’s now and looking for any type of job does have it’s downsides. I have traveled the world with the British Armed Forces, I’ve been back packing across Europe I’ve lived in Paris, I’ve been called all the names under the sun and I have made my mistakes. So as an employer you can expect someone of my age and up to call bullshit out. If something is wrong we will bring it up, bring it up in a polite and proper way, be that going to the manager to tell them of a leak or asking someone not to repeat something again as it is not appropriate for work etc etc. There lies the problem, they don’t want that, managers don’t want more work, they would rather employ an 18 year old who knows nothing of their rights, nothing of what is really right and wrong and will simply walk away if fired for no reason. I and many others of my “age bracket” and above simply could not and would not tolerate that.

6-things-to-consider-when-you-have-to-cut-back120412_0So to sumerise I feel that I am being put into a tared group of people that does not want to work, I want to work and I actively do everything in my power to do so, but in reality I have to pick and choose which interviews I go to some days, or ring them up and try and change the date and time to a day I am already in that city, mostly this results in me no longer being offered the interview as I am already kicking up a fuss about something that should be easy to do, a view that is sensible and reasonable but yet is something that is sometimes out of my reach to accomplish. Why employ someone when they can’t even travel 15 mins down the road on a given day? Will that person even be able to make it to work for the first month of employment? How reliable is this person if he/she cannot even commit to a simple interview without wanting to change the date and/or time.

I fully expect to not have that bottle of wine in the fridge, to eat cheaper food and to commit my days to filling in forms but when the current infrastructure put in place by the government hinders that, I can only see a prolonged usage of benefits. This money could well be spent on other things in our country, if not in employment or growth but in education, the NHS, maybe even employing someone with the balls to tell the US, “You know what? we are not joining you in this war, costs too much for no return”.

Anyway rant over of a very annoyed and increasingly stressed Phil.

 

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HELLHAVEUBEEN56222A very good question, Phill.

Well the last time you all heard from me I was trying to piece everything back together, trying to get something that resembled a life. Now this is not to say I was desolate, on the streets with no hope of ever becoming anything or anyone again but I was feeling that I was not moving forward, not achieving anything and I certainly didn’t have any structure to my life what so ever.

kidsI wrote last about how I had got a new job and how I was unable to talk that much about it due to the strict rules put into place within Serco. Now I am no longer working there and have moved on to another job, but I must say that looking back on it was a unrewarding job with very little hope of progressing, well unless you were the bosses son/daughter or were bullshit enough to be in the lime light so much that you got noticed and promoted to “One of them”. After careful consideration I decided that I might not want to be a team leader in that company and started looking else where. I now find myself working for Conduit on the British Gas contract, on the phones yet again but at least with this job it is people asking for a service that I can provide and the selling side of things is rather light, ‘Oh, I can see you have X and Y with us Miss LoveCraft but have you considered winged beast protection for your guttering?’. This is something I think I can cope with and the expectations of the sales figures is rather reasonable. I also have at least one person a day that I genuinely help out, and in more than one occasion have possibly saved a life by properly diagnosing carbon monoxide escape and sent the relevant emergency/gas services and given advice to secure the safety of the customer, Superman I am not but I do feel a sense of happiness, pride and good will when I get to that part of my job.

Now I think that is enough of my job, the past and how I used to be, lets now focus on what else has happened.

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Well I believe I mentioned that whilst being taught in Serco that I felt a certain something for one of my trainers, a girl named Shelley, well it is with massively huge smiles while I write this that I can inform you all that we have moved in together in Cardiff Bay. A fantastic flat with a balcony view of the sea/bay area. Shelley is a lady with letters after her name and I am not on about BSC Bronze Swimming Certificate) I am talking a degree in English lit and at the end of this year a Master degree in script witting! How the hell did I end up with a woman so intelligent is still beyond me, I can hardly string a sentence together without confusing not only myself but all those listening in 😛 . Now I will be including Shelley in my further blogs since she is a huge part of my life, as are our two cats Bilbo Baggins and Sheldon Cooper both of whom are now as part of the family as any human could ever possibly be.

Now this entry will not be a very long one. I think that a little too much has gone on since September last year that if I sat here and wrote about it it would not only bore you all to death it would possibly take me most of the week to

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write.  I want to continue to tell you about me, my life, the people in it and also to mix in things on my mind, films I’ve seen, my view on gaming and a bunch of other subjects floating around my head over the next weeks, months and years rather than try to cram it all in now.

As always a massive thank you to everyone that reads this, please feel free to comment, Tweet, FB, Tumble,and/or G+ this around the web, until next week I bid you all well 🙂

So here we are again, another week over and another blog post being written and now read 🙂  Such a strange thing time, it is always the same, always constant however can seem to move at drastically different speeds, for instance the week leading up to me starting my new job seemed longer than the TWO weeks I have just completed by a mile. How the mind plays tricks on you.

So work, training for two weeks, what a roller-coaster of fun fuelled learning and fun, we have been 19 strong and have gel as a team wonderfully. Everyone of us seems to be energised by the next and our banter, well it bounces around all of us until there is not one dry eye in the room, amazingly good, fun, intelligent and genuine people who I am very happy to say I consider my friends 🙂  Games that include 10 push-ups for saying the word M.I.N.E, a triangle of death that gets put over drinks that then have to be downed and a few other games have thrived within our community and I have thoroughly enjoyed every single moment of our training.

Now unfortunately I cannot go into too much detail about my jobs ins and outs as I do deal with hundreds of personal details of people from around the country every single day, hence I cannot say what systems we use, how it works, what security there is etc etc so apart from being vague I can tell you that if you ring up to purchase something from Littlewoods, Isme, Very or K&Co you now have the chance to talk to me 🙂 Also my job title is Personal Shopper, hehehe love it when companies beef up your title to make it sound far more important and high up 🙂

Anyway how am I feeling about this new fork in my life? Well for one thing I know how I feel about people asking themselves questions and then answering them, bloody hate it and can’t believe I just did it! Idiot Phill!  So no, I digress, I feel nervous as one might expect but also so looking forward to the change. I am not sure anyone here will know what it is like to be a prisoner in your own life, to be constantly reminded that you are accomplishing nothing in your life everyday, every time you open the fridge and there is no food, every time you read on FB or Twitter how that dinner out last Thursday that you were not invited to was awesome, how great that film was, while you sit in an empty house literally talking to yourself, laughing at your own jokes and telling yourself off whenever you feel a little down, well that is slowly coming to an end. In six days time I get my first pay check and admittedly I have a lot of debt and backed up bills to cover from it but I will have a cash flow, a chance to socialise a chance to live again amongst the people of this world, a chance to finally start a fresh.

This feeling of liberation is so overwhelming that I find myself taking a step back and pinching myself to make sure I am not having a horribly twisted and cruel dream. To most a pop down to the local restaurant or cinema is nothing, something you do on a whim, not I, for the last 19 months I have been NO WHERE at all and so from that I hope you can glean just a slight glimpse of how important this new job and this new life is to me. I run at this job with open arms, a smile on my face and beside me are these fantastic new friends I have made along my journey.   Thanks go out to everyone that didn’t give up, everyone that is still around me to this day Cheers guys couldn’t do it without ya all 🙂

As a side note thank you to my good friend Franki who helped out with a little money so I can continue to eat this week until payday 🙂 Comes to something when a relationship from the past comes and lends the helping hand to plug the gap the job centre leaves in its wake of  bureaucratic red tape bullshit!

So this is going to fairly quick and straight to the point as a lot has happened to me in the last week;  however all of it (apart from last nights massive piss up) has been within my new work and lets face it, unless you’re with me, there in work, you ain’t going to give much of a shit about the ins and outs of it lol.  It will just come across as boring twaddle. 🙂

So working for a company called Serco, a massive company spanning many world-wide locations and providing service for everything from the Large Hadron collider at CERN, the UK’s Interdependent Nuclear deterrent right through to looking after the parking meters in Chicago Illinois.  So where do I fit in? Well you know when you ring up for Littlewoods, Isme, Very or K&co to place an order, well you now have a chance to get through to meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee 🙂  Only inbound calls as I have a soul and cannot face doing cold calling ever again in my life!

So two weeks of training before I am let out to ravage the world of customer service and ordering, and I have to say that I have LOVED every minute of it.  The people in our group are all good-natured, great fun, mature when they need to be and all incredibly hard-working with a pinch of bat shit crazy in them all. It’s great I can feel myself around these people and I am considering them my friends as of now really. Just a great bunch of guys and girls that really do make you feel at home 🙂 On top of the great group I find myself in I also feel alive again, gone are the days of dullness, of sitting at home wondering where the next meal was to come from, gone is the worry, gone is the feeling of being completely useless, a rag-tag tramp of a man scraping through life in a gutter, no no no, ALL feelings washed away, I feel great, feel like I am part of something and have a passion to become better; a fire has defiantly been lit under my ass, propelling me skywards into the upper echelons of  greatness.  Now it has to be said that at the heart of all of these new and exciting feelings flooding my body, mind and soul at the moment is the training staff we have.  They simply make me smile when I walk in and see them, an awesome amount of respect goes of to our trainers but also a massive amount of fun is had with them too. Simply magnificent and I love the trainers and my group to bits.

And in other news….

So two bits of news away from working is the somewhat devastating fact that I have lost the court battle to see my son. Sadly my own father (Now know as “Who the fuck are you, piss off”) testified against me and this has given the social services the ammunition they needed to tip the whole thing in their favour. I had this news the Friday before I started at Serco so I have not really had time to properly think through this,  maybe I am just hiding from it a little as it has totally destroyed my hopes and brought my worst fears right up in front of me as far as this situation goes. I have been given permission to send him 3 letters a year, Christmas, Easter and his Birthday, 3 letters for a child I looked after for the best part of 2 years. All I can do is work my ass off, pay of this court debt of 4k and save for the next try. 3rd of October is when I and my legal team will retract our wish for my right to see Seth officially.

That shitty news brings me to my last point (a little more smiles in this one)

I have started another blog up at http://foryouseth.wordpress.com/ for my Son Seth. This will be updated on a semi regular time frame. I have had no time what so ever to come to terms with me not seeing my son until he is in his teens but I have had today to know that I need to preserve something for when that day comes. After 13 years of not knowing me I need something for him, something he can read about me and my life just in case he does not want to talk to me in person and I think that will be a great idea.  You’re all more than welcome to read it although it is only really aimed at a person years down the line from now.

Anyway just so you lot don’t end up sad reading this I have added this picture. Any time you feel down, just remember things can always be worse…..

 

Hey one and all and welcome back to my blog.  This is a little catch up on me, gaming, things going on in the world and anything else I’ve been up to 🙂

So we start off this post with the news that I a now completely Linux based now. I found that I was gaming less and less with the so called triple A titles and that indie games along with a few other games worked great on Ubuntu which in my opinion is far superior to Windows 7 that I was using, plus I like the way it simply runs, uses far less sytem resources AND how much quieter my computer is when running it not to mention the fact it installs all it’s updates in one go and that’s it, nothing, nada, no more silly updates that need your computer to be switched off or restarted etc etc.

In other news I find myself wanting to get back into Minecraft after a number of months away from it, hopefully I can get into the Tekkit mod as I have heard it is a fun way to change the game up. Minecraft, and more over it’s community never cease to amaze me, their efforts in modding is superb and really brings a different dimension to the game.  In general Modding communities are awesome anyway.  An example of this is the breathtaking mod “Tiberium Essence” run through Desura for the game Command and Conquer 3 Kanes Wrath, it changes most of the units, looks and even particles in the game giving an old tired game a new lease of life.  If you have an old game you loved but feel it has gone stale then head over to Desura and/or ModDB and see if your game can be brought back into the now with their excellent mods.

Now for a little personal news. As many of you will know I am currently taking my Ex partner to court for the right to see my son.  I am unaware of where he is living and he has not seen me since 2 march 2011, well our first court date was on the 26th of June and we are a step closer to winning.  The court voted in favour of a report to be done by social services which they have to complete by 18th September this year. This decision was in favour of me and against my partners case that I should never, under any circumstances see my son again.  This news, although slightly disapointing is still a step in the right direction and one that is giving me hope for the future. At least now I have a timetable of events that “should” eventually lead up to a happier child with a far more stable up bringing.

Well in this mix-mash of tip bits I bring you to the news that HTC and Apple have finished at least one of their court battles over here in the UK with HTC coming out on top. In the seemingly never ending mobile phone war on patents world wide, HTC’s and Apple’s “slide to unlock feature”, suing and counter suing was finally decided to be basically invalid with HTC coming out as the victor. Out of the 4 patents that Apple claim had been violated 3 where not valid and the forth did not apply to HTC’s devices.  I just hope that this suing culture that the Americans seem to be slowly bringing this way does not stick and judges around the world just stat to use commen sense and start throwing these useless cases of blantent bullshit out and stop wasting time and money on it. Source – BBC News

And I think we shall end on a high (or maybe a slightly scary) note by introducing you to the technology of surrogates for those unable to move!  Yep that’s right robots surrogates have become a little step closer today as scientists have managed to make a robot move via brain waves, also the person could see through the eyes of the robot that he/she was controlling.  Previous attempts to control robots remotely have used joysticks or track pads where as this tech uses a brain being scanned by  fMRI (Functional Magnetic Resonance Imaging) to monitor blood flow through the brain, this procedure can then pin-point actions such as movement.  Now I am not sure about you but this tech does give me an unsettling feeling in the pit of my stomach although I am sure (at least at first) it will be used to help those in need, and helping those in need is always the right thing to do. Source – BBC News

Soon my son I will be seeing you, soon I will be hugging you, soon you will know true love again.

So this one is about me, about feelings and about a joyful occasion that hopefully will come true soon. If you are not interested in my life then please stop reading now, no offence meant but it will not interest you at all. Why waste your time 😀

SO it’s crunch time for me, in 19 days time I will have a court case to go to, starting the counter case against my former “other half” and hopefully securing me the chance to see my son. Born on the second of September 2009 at nine minutes past three in the morning at the weight of 7lb 11 and a half, in our rented house, little Seth was passed to me for the very first time, hands, arms and come to think of it even body shaking I held my son for the very first time, careful to the max I did not hurt him in anyway (Although sure now that touching a land mine as lightly would not set it off) I turnned to my then partner and said “So what do we do with him now?”

For a child I assured myself I was as prepared as a solider going to war, well fuck that! I have been to war and I can tell you now that seeing your son being born is the single most terrifying yet uplifting and amazing thing that will ever happen to a person. Able to shoot a bullet from a rifle to kill another human without hesitation in years gone past I was near paralysed when asked to cut the umbilical cord of a living, breathing, little, beautiful, radiant and innocent life which I helped to create, I simply could not do it, I was shaking far too much.

Now comes the tragic part, not tragic for me I might add as I am a adult human, with all my life of rights and wrongs taught to me or learnt by mistakes or lessons from others. No not my misfortune, but rather that of my son. A son now living without a father, not living with a father because of a woman, a woman now so evil in my eyes that I wonder how such a creature gave birth to a gorgeous, righteous and innocent human such as my son will baffle me for years to come. So after 15 months of fighting, £4,000 of debt added and lots of miserable, lonely and crying nights alone I am finally on the home straight, well at least I hope I am.

Now it is not easy for me I might add but what is the most important is that it is not easy on the child, no matter what parent is missing that child is missing out, that is something I have learnt I cannot tolerate and I actually despise. I hope that parents will one day understand that it’s fuck all to live in a hole, be in debt and live penny less as long as your child is ok, to me the only thing that matters!

Money can be paid back, houses can be rented or bought, misery can be turned into happiness but the love of a parent while growing up……… that can never be replaced!

This is to all the men and women trying to see their son or daughter, don’t give up, keep trying and always think of your child and not yourself x x

So here I am again and today’s blog post, well at least this one will be back to little ol me and what happening in my life 🙂 I may end up doing another gaming type one if I find something of interest as this blogging “bug” has well and truly gripped me.

Soooooooooo what’s been going on with me, well to be honest a lot and at the same time nothing what so ever. On the one hand I am so broke that after bills, not including food, I have £2.33 until the 12th of June. Glad I have plenty of pasta in, a mum that lives around the corner and some really great mates 🙂 I find myself still looking for jobs but find the whole experience mentally exhausting as there are simply too many people for too few job, in this part of the world (South Wales, no not the beautiful and sunny New South Wales of Australia, the original rainy one) it has really hit home hard. Noticing the town now resembles that of a western when the bandits come to town, boarded up windows and only the homeless and crazy left on the streets.

On the upside however my spirits are high as after almost 15 months of paperwork and slow negotiation have failed to solve the problem of not seeing my son, the Willy Wonka golden ticket of mail arrived the other day stating court dates of June 26th :). At the time I write this I have not seen my now rapidly ageing son since March 2nd 2011, so this for me is massive news that even thinking about makes me well up and almost cry. I have no idea where my son lives as my ex moved away and only her solicitors know where, she also cut all ties with my side and apparently her side of the family too.

Trust me when I say that that little bugger will be well and truly spoilt by every member of my family until the poor kid is fed so much, hugged so much and fussed over so much he will probably turn into a spoilt brat for the rest of the year.

So in other news, although the above was the biggy really, I have taken to blogging. “No really Phill!?”. Yes and I know that you know that for obvious reason but it has really grabbed my attention, given me something to do and helped me focus on something I deem worthwhile rather than starting to think of things that maybe have not gone to plan in my life. Thinking about the past is never a good way to do things and I am glad to say with blogging I can control that a lot better.

I would like to give massive thank you to all those who have read my blog, I had between 20 and 24 visits on my first two days which I was happy with then yesterday 52!  That is a good number and I hope that the upward trend continues and I get to see some other awesome blogs from people who I one day will hopefully be able to call friends too.

Last but by no means least I have to add that a good friend Neil has his own blog, he has been helping me out and has been publicising mine wherever he can. You should give him a look and pass his details along as he is an awesome guy that has done a lot for me in the short time I have had the pleasure to know him. His blog  WTF WHININESS OF A DERANGED WEB DESIGNER! can be found, well it can be found in the link I just a second gave you 😛