Archive for June, 2015

helpI have come to the conclusion that I am not doing great. I live in a town which likes to call itself a city, it’s what I imaging Gotham City would be like if real, but on a smaller scale. It’s streets are strewn with rubbish, the drug dealers deal out of houses day and night right around the corner from a Police station. Most of the people that live here seem to be connected with the drugs, selling or buying however as always there are always those that brighten the place up, good people that also don’t deserve to be in a place like this and as much as this sound snobbish, I don’t don’t deserve this either.

So now comes on to the real problem. I’am a shadow of my former self, I am isolated, desperate and realising that I am actually damned if I am going to let this go on any more, now the problem with this is that I have nothing, I strive to live and that’s it. No frills living is no life at all. I eat the same meal almost every day, I see only these four walls and my computer with rejection after rejection emails from jobs saying, thanks but no thanks, I mean, you don’t even have a phone! A sad fact that I don’t, I am in such a rut that it’s now impossible for me to make any headway and that is where I have finally realised that I need help, help before a doctor sees me and puts me on some medication to “make me feel better” which I have already said no to. I don’t do tablets and I down right refuse to take tablets for something caused by my current living situation, from the non stop cars pulling up for next doors deals on small plastic bags filled with god knows what, to the shouting of the drudged and drunk idiots that adorn my street from 11am until 5am, believe me, I know, I’m usually awake, or have been woken up every 30 mins or so, every night, almost every day for what seems like a lifetime.

So I tried to do something about it, I got the job, I paid off all but one credit card, I worked hard I……………. didn’t get selected to become a full time member of the team as the job was temp, so I hustled down and got another job, hated it even more, call centre work, basically working for the devil, soul destroying as it is and when that ended I did it again, however I never managed to make the temp jobs work for me as I was always on the back foot, always had something else to pay for and when I had almost climbed that mountain, when I could see the potential to put a plan into place to move out of these four walls and back home, back to where I know people care for me, back to where I can get back on my feet, get a decent nights sleep, eat more than one meal a day and feel happy again it all came crumbling down and I woudl start again, and again, and again and each time it would be for less hours, or for a shorter time and each time I lost a little more ground. Then the tablet was sold, the TV, the phone the holes appeared in my shoes and I still wear them, I have no choice, I eat and pay rent or I get new shoes.

So the cycle continues and I can’t do it any more, I have nothing left to give either metaphorically or in actual assets to sell. I stand here at the precipice looking up, but there is no end, there is no top, even if I could scale this rock face all over again, where would it get me? So I have to do more drastic measures so I set up a plea for help, embarrassingly putting me into a position of begging others to help me out financially. I have used to set up a plea to everyone and anyone to help me get the spring board I need to get out of this situation. I don’t expect this to be easy and moving back home will not fix all of the problems but that’s where my support structure is, where I can get help and where I belong.

If you would like to help out or would simply be kind as to share this link: it would be massively appreciated. Now I set the limit high so……….actually not sure if that’s a good thing or a bad one. I have never done this before.

Thank for reading this, well plea for help more than anything. Thanks for reading.


hate_you_allSo this is a rather strange subject to come back in on, however it been something that has been annoying me for sometime now, also increases more over time.

Now I am fully aware that this may sound like a rant of an old man, devoid of all love and life and of a person that hates other peoples happiness. Nothing could be further from the truth, I still watch those kittens/puppy videos and pretend I have something in my eyes, even though I am the only one in the room, I still genuinely give birthday wishes and congratulations to achievements earned and really do smile from ear to ear like a floating invisible cat.

To be a little more precise I just hate this way that humans are kind, clever, smart, learning machines full of so much hope and joy, so much faith and promise but seem to throw that all away at the drop of a hat. Throw it away not over something important but at a comment made on a video, a dismissive jest made on Facebook and as I read more and more of these pointless, soul destroying, humanity killing arguments I wonder where our species is going, it cannot be to that science fiction utopia that has been drawn, written about and depicted in so many films and games. Well it won’t be when one cannot even state that they like jam more than marmalade and receive death threats for it.

someone_is_wrong_on_the_internet1246485981Every single damn thing in this virtual world now seems to be so angry, so confrontational, so utterly devoid of any and all emotions apart from hate. For gods sake I read a comment the other day about how a woman should be shot! Yes SHOT because she was singing to a song they didn’t like. When was this ok? When did people pretend SO hard not to care about anything in the world what so ever? I mean we all feint a comic nonchalant stance now and again but this seems to be more than that, it seems to be hatred at a level that is just accepted. It’s now something that is part of life, I know I now deliberately avoid 99% of things that are written in comments as to not see the vile, incomprehensibly evil and cowardly writings that many think are just part and parcel of being alive at this time in our “evolution”.

With teenagers now being arrested and spending time in jail because of stalking people on-line and SWATTING them, oh and if you don’t know what swatting is, it’s telling the police that someone has killed, are going to kill or are at least armed and the swat team, or your countries equivalent will obviously enter your house with extreme prejudice, usually while people are streaming their games on a service like Twitch just for kicks. FUCK, come on, really can I be the only one that thinks that this is going a little far?! I find it hard to believe that in a world so full of people that all I can find on the internet is hatred towards other people and for what? So that your point of view can then be picked apart and so that you can have an argument with another person?

Is there a secret sociaty and life achievments to get as many people to hate you as possible? To get more than 5 people upset with you, to maybe try and be racist, sexist and make someone consider ending their life because of your constant on line bulling all in one week? I could at least understand the human need to complete things and to challenge themselves if that was the case, alas I very much doubt it. I fond myself writting this little rant and sighing to myself, feeling very low about the state of peoples minds these days and wondering if maybe things were always like this and it’s just me getting older and noticing it, or, and I think this is far more likely, people seem to think that the internet is anonymous and they won’t get found out.

Either way what do you think? Is it just me getting older or are things really getting out of hand?

Oh and since this is a very sad rant about sad sad things here is a happy happy picture 🙂