Archive for September, 2012

So here we are again, another week over and another blog post being written and now read ūüôā ¬†Such a strange thing time, it is always the same, always constant however can seem to move at drastically different speeds, for instance the week leading up to me starting my new job seemed longer than the TWO weeks I have just completed by a mile. How the mind plays tricks on you.

So work, training for two weeks, what a¬†roller-coaster of fun¬†fuelled learning and fun, we have been 19 strong and have gel¬†as a team wonderfully. Everyone of us seems to be¬†energised¬†by the next and our banter, well it bounces around all of us until there is not one dry eye in the room, amazingly good, fun,¬†intelligent¬†and genuine people who I am very happy to say I consider my friends ūüôā¬†¬†Games¬†that¬†include 10¬†push-ups¬†for saying the word M.I.N.E, a triangle of¬†death¬†that gets put over drinks that then have to be downed and a few other games have thrived within our community and I have¬†thoroughly¬†enjoyed every single moment of our training.

Now¬†unfortunately¬†I cannot go into too much detail about my jobs ins and outs as I do deal with¬†hundreds¬†of personal details of people from around the country every single day, hence I cannot say what systems we use, how it works, what security there is etc etc so apart from being vague I can tell you that if you ring up to purchase something from Littlewoods, Isme, Very or K&Co you now have the chance to talk to me ūüôā Also my job title is Personal Shopper, hehehe love it when companies beef up your title to make it sound far more important and high up ūüôā

Anyway how am I feeling about this new fork in my life? Well for one thing I know how I feel about people asking themselves questions and then answering them, bloody hate it and can’t believe I just did it! Idiot Phill! ¬†So no, I digress, I feel nervous as one might expect but also so looking forward to the change. I am not sure anyone here will know what it is like to be a prisoner in your own life, to be constantly reminded that you are accomplishing nothing in your life everyday,¬†every time¬†you open the fridge and there is no food, every time you read on FB or Twitter how that dinner out last Thursday that you were not invited to was awesome, how great that film was, while you sit in an empty house literally¬†talking to yourself, laughing at your own jokes and telling yourself off whenever you feel a little down, well that is slowly coming to an end. In six days time I get my first pay check and admittedly I have a lot of debt and backed up bills to cover from it but I will have a cash flow, a chance to¬†socialise¬†a chance to live again amongst the people of this world, a chance to finally start a fresh.

This feeling of¬†liberation¬†is so overwhelming that I find myself taking a step back and pinching myself to make sure I am not having a horribly twisted and cruel dream. To most a pop down to the local¬†restaurant or cinema is nothing, something you do on a whim, not I, for the last 19 months I have been NO WHERE at all and so from that I hope you can glean just a slight glimpse of how important this new job and this new life is to me. I run at this job with open arms, a smile on my face and beside me are these fantastic new friends I have made along my journey.¬†¬† Thanks go out to everyone that didn’t give up, everyone that is still around me to this day Cheers guys couldn’t do it without ya all ūüôā

As a side note thank you to my good friend Franki who helped out with a little money so I can¬†continue¬†to eat this week until payday ūüôā Comes to something when a relationship from the past comes and lends the helping hand to plug the gap the job¬†centre¬†leaves in its wake of ¬†bureaucratic¬†red tape bullshit!


So this is going to fairly quick and straight to the point as a lot has happened to me in the last week; ¬†however all of it (apart from last nights massive piss up) has been within my new work and lets face it, unless you’re with me, there in work, you ain’t going to give much of a shit about the ins and outs of it lol. ¬†It will just come across as boring twaddle. ūüôā

So working for a company called Serco, a massive company spanning many world-wide locations and providing service for everything from the Large Hadron collider at CERN, the UK’s¬†Interdependent¬†Nuclear¬†deterrent right through to looking after the parking meters in¬†Chicago¬†Illinois. ¬†So where do I fit in? Well you know when you ring up for Littlewoods, Isme, Very or K&co to place an order, well you now have a chance to get through to meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee ūüôā ¬†Only inbound calls as I have a soul and cannot face doing cold calling ever again in my life!

So two weeks of¬†training¬†before I am let out to ravage the world of customer service and ordering, and I have to say that I have LOVED every¬†minute¬†of it. ¬†The people in our group are all good-natured, great fun, mature when they need to be and all¬†incredibly¬†hard-working with a pinch of bat shit¬†crazy¬†in them all. It’s great I can feel myself around these people and I am¬†considering¬†them my friends as of now really. Just a great bunch of guys and girls that really do make you feel at home ūüôā On top of the great group I find myself in I also feel alive again, gone are the days of dullness, of sitting at home wondering where the next meal was to come from, gone is the worry, gone is the feeling of being¬†completely¬†useless, a rag-tag tramp of a man scraping through life in a gutter, no no no, ALL feelings washed away, I feel great, feel like I am part of something and have a¬†passion to become better; a fire has¬†defiantly¬†been lit under my ass, propelling me skywards into the upper¬†echelons¬†of¬†¬†greatness. ¬†Now it has to be said that at the heart of all of these new and exciting feelings flooding my body, mind and soul at the moment is the training staff we have. ¬†They simply make me smile when I walk in and see them, an awesome amount of respect goes of to our trainers but also a massive amount of fun is had with them too. Simply magnificent and I love the trainers and my group to bits.

And in other news….

So two bits of news away from working is the somewhat¬†devastating fact that I have lost the court battle to see my son. Sadly my own father (Now know as “Who the fuck are you, piss off”) testified against me and this has given the social services the ammunition they needed to tip the whole thing in their favour. I had this news the Friday before I started at Serco so I have not really had time to properly think through this, ¬†maybe I am just hiding from it a little as it has totally destroyed my hopes and brought my worst fears right up in front of me as far as this situation goes. I have been given permission to send him 3 letters a year, Christmas, Easter and his Birthday, 3 letters for a child I looked after for the best part of 2 years. All I can do is work my ass off, pay of this court debt of 4k and save for the next try. 3rd of October is when I and my legal team will retract our wish for my right to see Seth¬†officially.

That shitty news brings me to my last point (a little more smiles in this one)

I have started another blog up at¬†¬†for my Son Seth. This will be updated on a semi¬†regular time frame. I have had no time what so ever to come to terms with me not seeing my son until he is in his teens but I have had today to know that I need to preserve something for when that day comes. After 13 years of not knowing me I need something for him, something he can read about me and my life just in case he does not want to talk to me in person and I think that will be a great idea. ¬†You’re all more than welcome to read it although it is only really aimed at a person years down the line from now.

Anyway just so you lot don’t end up sad reading this I have added this picture. Any time you feel down, just remember things can always be worse…..


So after FAR to long of being unemployed I have got a job, Starting on¬†Monday¬†the 10th September 2012, so the 2 weeks of training, the 4 interviews and the 2 trips to the city to make a good impression were the hard part… right?

Would seem not! Yet again the government have put up barriers to make it increasingly hard to get to the point that one needs to be at. ¬†Now all I need is a little help, a little¬†nudge; ¬†the boulder that I have been pushing up this¬†massive¬†mountain called life day and night, in all¬†weathers¬†and in all conditions of health from being top-notch to being¬†injured¬†from an¬†assault¬†has¬†always¬†proved something that was a great struggle, never once having a helping hand from those in “charge”. ¬†I took the abusive Job centre staff on the chin, wiped their¬†sarcastic¬†and¬†megalomaniac¬†style of operations off my ever¬†broadening¬†shoulders and run with it, never once slipping, never once letting them wear me down, never once looking back, through pain,¬†ridicule,¬†dismantlement¬†of my life and general despair I kept¬†pushing.¬†¬†Through all this I have been having a soul-destroying and hurtful court battle with my ex to see my son. ¬†Not once was a single ounce of care produced from anyone outside of family and friends but despite all of this I flipped them all the bird and made it here, made it through a process to pick only the best and now, now at the very top of this mammoth task I find a brick wall, a wall of red tape that yet again halts my progress, halts my dreams, halts my very life in its tracks. ¬†A wall of bureaucratic¬†bullshit that now threatens all my work up to this point, I look up to the top of this wall and standing high into the clouds there is the finishing line, a flag of black and white being held high over the head of ¬†an over weight cat in a pinstripe suit, Trilby hat and pocket watch, looking down on my now frail body and laughing. “You’re almost there” he says with a chuckle, “Almost, but look how high this is, why don’t you just give up, go backwards, have a rest and take the weight off, you’ll never win” As his voice fades a booming laugh comes thundering through the clouds and down around my mountain an anger floods over me as I realise the fight is not yet over!


They are not prepared to give me ONE months travel as it might not be available due to me not having any proof I am going to work for the¬†company? ¬†Ummm how much of a tool do you have to be to walk into a job centre and say “No no don’t pay me ¬£240 a month JSA plus housing so I can live, no no just pay ONE months of train tickets then I am signed off it all”. Do they even think of what they are saying, ever thing of how much bullshit spills out of their mouths, how they take words in their “rules” so damn¬†literally?

I now have 3 days to get proof as I cannot get proof I work in my job AFTER I start because that is not “A barrier into work”. Ummm how about I spend this money on travel then don’t have enough to eat, or pay rent, pay bills or buy new clothes? Is that not now a “Barrier of LIFE”? A barrier that then will make it more difficult or in certain circumstances impossible for me to actually work? Why do these people not seem to live in the same world as I do? ¬†The physically not live in the same world as I as they don’t seem to grasp basic logic! I am not asking them to be Spock, not expecting them to break any rules, I just ask for some common sense.

On top of this I have had 3 days of arguing to get an 4 week extension for housing benefit so that I can pay rent until I get paid. The way “they” look at it is that I have a job, wave magic “I got a job” wand and bills will be paid forgetting that in the real world no business in their right mind would pay an employee a full wage the day they get there! Must be nice where ever these people live as they evidently have no money worries at, no bills that come out throughout the month and no need to prove they’re worth the money given to them. Now these are not the only two battles going on with various¬†organisations¬†however these are the two¬†problems¬†that should just simply not exist!

Now some might read this and say, “Well you have to prove you work there or you could just use the money to go on the piss”, well to that I ask you this; ¬†Why would one do that for a sum lesser than I get now? Plus upon doing such a thing I am not¬†eligible¬†to sign on for any money again for several weeks, leaving me¬†destitute. ¬†Other approaches have been to simply lend the money, ahh yes the global economic crises has not affected any of my friends or¬†families¬†at all and they have money of around ¬£100 to throw around at people. ¬†Sadly the reverse is true, they do not and I would not burden them with such an ask, it’s my life after all. Now please let me get this¬†straight¬†– I would be willing to pay any and all help from the state back at a pre arranged amount every month, even with a decent rate of interest slapped on to help the economy along that little bit more, however the¬†government¬†of this country never changes the rules to include common sense it would seem, never once asking the “normal” person on the street how they would do it, and yes I do write to them and complain and even though nothing ever happens I will continue to do so in the vain and somewhat stupid attempt to make myself believe we are actually heard and we actually matter to those in power.

I have just felt alone at every single stage of this arduous, painfully slow and demoralising part of my life, this is something that I believe brings many crashing down, down into a rut that they they find very hard to struggle out from, very hard to regroup and continue attacking from, hence simply find it easier to stay, boulder on top of them, slowly sinking into the bog of internal uselessness where they will be reminded on a Bi weekly appointment just how useless and pathetic they truly are until they lose the will to even try. This is how I felt for a good deal last year and it has  taken the help from good friends,  family members and my own determination mixed to struggle back onto my feet and strike back, hit out and continue, for a time back in late 2011 on a ltr of vodka every other day I thought I was a goner, thought I had fucked it all up, thankfully I can look back on that now and learn from it, become stronger from it and use that to shrug of the ever-increasing piles of utter crap organisations such as the Department of Works and Pensions throw at you.

Just keep trying to all those that this rings accord with, never give up and just keep on hitting those barriers down. ¬†They do run out eventually, they do become an easier pill to swallow and you can become happy again ūüôā